MAY BOOK CLUB: DEE SALMIN’S ‘IT’S NOT LOVE, ACTUALLY’

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Image: Pan Macmillan Australia

Our May Book Club pick is Dee Salmin’s It’s Not Love, Actually.

I’ve never taken so many notes on a book, especially so soon into reading the text.  It’s Not Love, Actually by Dee Salmin explores many facets we as women come across. To paraphrase the author, It’s about showing up as the most authentic version of yourself, and not giving a crumb as to what men think of you. 

The parts that really intrigue me are the single and dating chapters. How many times have we seen videos online, hearing ladies tell their horrendous dating stories in 2026? The introduction of the book is something I would gladly send to every friend of mine, it encompasses not only what we’ll explore throughout the book, but also uses the film Love Actually to set a precedent on what helped inspire some of the ideas in this text. On page two there is a section that really spoke to me, “I’m crying for how little some women ask for and yet they’re always being let down. I’m angry over the endless and thankless sacrifices some women make for their partners and families that no one ever acknowledges. And for the partners who care more about flattering their own egos… My heart breaks for the woman shrinking themselves, their needs and their feelings because they don’t want to ‘make a fuss’ or cause ‘any issues’. And my tears are for the women who have given up part of themselves- the women who’ve dedicated their lives to being wives and mothers, only to end up lonelier than they would have been if they had just chosen to be alone.” It happens over all generations, and unfortunately you see many people resembling at least one of these tableaux's. 

Essentially it’s about having men step up, and you recognise that they need to step up. It’s not diminishing them in any way, it’s about calling them out for their behaviour and having them meet the expectations you put forth. And generally they are basic expectations, but I’m not saying the bare minimum, it’s just what should occur in a relationship of two partners. I really enjoyed the format of this book, broken into parts and then supporting sections/chapters that move well throughout the book. 

It’s Not Love, Actually reassesses the goals we were conditioned to aspire to. Learning that our worth isn’t tied to items or others, or rather the perceptions of others. That being single doesn’t make you worth less. For me this book reaffirmed my thoughts, that I don’t need to shrink myself or diminish my needs, or put up with disrespect or, the big one, settle for way less than I deserve to be happy. 

A big topic in this book for me was the idea that some ditch their family and friends because they make one person their whole world. I’ve always seen a romantic partner as someone who adds to your story. You established storylines with friends and family and this new person is someone who becomes a new character in your story. It’s not all about them, you are the main character and everyone else are your supporting characters. People who bring something different to the story of your life. 

As someone who is close in age with the author I can see how “love and relationships” have changed so dramatically over the years. I worry about my relatives in this current climate and the treatment they receive in the dating world. I’ve always been of the mind that you need to love yourself and be okay to be alone with yourself before you can even think about being with someone else. Advice I’ve given and some have followed to the point where they went from a partner every few months to a long term relationship. This was 10 years ago, and I remember one friend was reflecting on the fact she was dating because she didn’t want to be alone. That taking the time to be alone with herself opened her up to new experiences that helped her find herself. It might sound sappy, but if the end result is a loved one who ends up happier - you should be all for it. 

I love that Dee Salmin delves into the idea of love not just from romantic relationships but love from many areas in life such as your friends, family, the environment, things like music (my favourite), and movies (I want to shout out Lord of the Rings here). It could even be a meal prepared for you, or a community event you attend. There’s so much to life. It was really refreshing reading this. In a world where we get bombarded with all the terrible stuff happening, it’s nice to hear someone talking about the other side, converting the preconceived misogynistic notions out there into something that speaks to you on a deep level. Assessing and analysing the unfortunate behaviours we see online, that also including the pick me girls and the cool girls. Ultimately it’s about prioritising yourself.

There was another part too, where Salmin discusses the objectification of women and our bodies. This part made me think of a time in year 10 where I found a list in my supposed best friends diary on ways to improve me and my looks. I now realised that I actually was mature for my age because instead of feeling like I should change, I was just disappointed in her and called her out on the fact. Upon reflection now I can see how societal expectations influenced her. We were teenagers and a lot of what is discussed in this book about the internalised misogyny present in the world makes me reflect on the fact we also grew up with it. “We deserve to live in a world where we are celebrated and embraced for our unique and exquisite bodies, exactly as they are.” (Page 57) I also want to touch on the topic of women’s health research (page 207) versus men’s health research. I just can’t understand some of the stuff that actually exists in the world. And what doesn’t, but should.

I like how she explores the varying degrees of relationships and exactly what can be behind it. And doing so in a way that isn’t judgemental. I also like that she notes that things that resonate with her might not resonate with the reader but to keep an open mind over the varying sections. I think that’s a really good way to approach things especially when it does come to self-help books. And again there might be parts that you don’t agree with, either with what’s being said or you don’t resonate with certain thoughts (I did come across some sections that I questioned), but it doesn’t mean there aren’t things underneath that can be beneficial to your own experience. 

Honestly there were so many great ideas in this book, such as looking at apps and how you won’t be finding the one via an app. Or figuring out what is authentic to you. I love the references Salmin made to other authors and philosophers who have explored these ideas (I’ve got a long list of extra reading to do), the notion that women are over hook-up culture and of course, misogyny. “We’re deciding to take back control.” (Page 31) I love the use of lists, particularly questions put forth by the author for you to reflect on. It’s not just about the things she’s experienced, but also the feedback and ideas, as well as the lessons learnt from the people she’s reached out to - such as her followers. The concept of the lie we’re sold that being alone is time wasted. There is a great emphasis on trust and earning trust. The idea that we value things that are harder to get. And, we’ve touched on this before, that romantic love isn’t ultimately the ‘real love’ that matters most. Furthering this, on page 81 Salmin says, “the longest relationship you will have in your life is the relationship you have with yourself.”

I love that the culmination of this book explores the importance of surrounding yourself with people who support you, and ultimately the concept of creating a village. Ending with the perfect quote on page 323, “if you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love actually is all around.”

Dee Salmin’s It’s Not Love, Actually is available through Pan Macmillan Australia.